I want to share the memories I have been writing for the last 2 1/2 years.
I want to write about the things I remember of my darling son, Geoff. I
remember his 1st birthday when he put his hands in the cake. I remember
how his little diapers drooped as he walked around the house. I remember
his face when I had to leave him at Kings Kids for the first time - we both
cried terribly. I remember us feeding the ducks and geese at the little park
around the corner when we lived in West Long Branch. I remember how I
had to pick him up because the geese attacked him for the bread. I remember
his little body sleeping with me and how warm he always was and how much
comfort I got from him near me. I remember how much love I felt for that
little tyke. I know how much love I still feel for that wonderful child of mine.
Why was he destined to only live a short life? Why must my older age be as
unhappy as it is without him?

I remember him when we moved into this house we bought and how, we had
to sleep together the first night because all the boxes were all over and the
only bed we cleared was mine. I remember how he gave up his bedroom for
Grandma when she lived with us. How generous he was and is. I remember our
Christmas's together and how I tried so hard to make them memorable for both
of us. I remember how he forked the dining room table when he was 18 months
old and how he shoved the coaster into the VCR and I could not figure out why
it wouldn't play. I remember how financially strapped we were when he was a
baby and how I worked 2 jobs in order to make it better for him. I remember
how he used to hug and kiss me when he was a tot. I remember how he used to
make me stay away from him when he was a teen-ager and how he argued about
not getting braces and I insisted he would and would hear no more about it. I
remember how he was able to chew so much better when the braces did their job.
I remember how much love I feel for him.

I remember a time I knew what happiness was and how I was so thankful
to have Geoff and Cal in my life. I remember how upset he was when he
didn't make the Middle School Soccer Team - he cried and I had to ignore
it or he would have been so appalled. I remember Christmas's that he loved
and was thrilled with what Santa brought him. I remember how much love I
felt for him and still feel for him. I remember baking Christmas Cookies with
him; we would take the day off from school and bake all day. I remember the
last time we did that he was a Senior in High School and he took off with us
but didn't help but did eat the butter cookies. How he loved those butter
cookies. We brought him butter cookies to his grave for Christmas 02 in
remembrance and love. I remember how he loved our home-made pizza and
the wonderful Zeppola's I made on Sunday mornings. I remember all the love
I feel for him and the tears that I shed now that he is gone. I find no comfort
in anything and no pleasure in anything I do. I go through the motions of life
without him in it.

I remember how he loved Football as a Freshman in High School. I remember
how proud I was of him always. I remember how he tried to control his temper
when teachers' would be rude and ill-mannered toward him. I remember how
I cared for him when he was sick and how I always prayed that God would
protect him from harm. I remember his beautiful smile and laugh. I remember
how Grandma upset him so much one dinner that he was sick afterwards. I
remember how I stood up for him always and felt if I did not stand up for
him who would.

I remember how colicky he was as an infant and how I prayed for a full nights'
sleep. I remember how it was when I brought him home from the hospital and
hoped his biological father would at least send some love and affection to him.
I remember how hurt he was when he wrote father and he never wrote back.
I remember how he liked a girl when he was in 7th grade and he told me she
liked him. He was surprised; I wasn't. He was a beautiful boy and girls would
have gravitated toward him in College as they did in High School. But in college
they would have loved him and gone out with him, and wanted him as a boyfriend,
husband and father. I remember how horrible this year of 02/03 has been since
my Geoff has gone to heaven. I know the pain and sorrow so deep in my heart and
spirit. I know I can't bear having my precious Son gone. I want so much to have him
back with us. I love him so much and don't understand why he was taken away from
us. I am in such pain, such agony and sorrow. How do I live the rest of my life
without him.

September 2004

I have been thinking of you all day, my son. It's 2 years since you left us.
Every day has been a day in hell for me. I think of you always with tears,
with a smile, with the joy it was for me to have known you. I was and am so
proud you are my son. I felt that something had gone right in this world with
you in it. I just wish I could have done something to make you realize how
poisonous heroin could be. I didn't think after knowing Matt and Mike's
father that you would ever try something so deadly. I have lost the only thing
in this life that made my life seem worthy. I lost you and I have to live without
you. I miss you so much I can't even begin to tell you how much you are missed
and loved.

I feel my life is just one of waiting now, waiting to die and end my sorrow
and pain. I did not deserve to have to find you dead like I did. I don't
deserve to have to be a mother of a child who died. I don't deserve to have
to live without you. I can't imagine living a long time with this type of sorrow.
I wait to die and ease my suffering. I wait to see you again. To conquer death
you only have to die. No more birthday celebrations with joy; I see you at the
cemetery and bring balloons and gifts to you. I cry every day and can't believe
the tears I have shed in my sorrow. I've lost everyone I have ever loved dearly
in this evil world. Christmas is only another day, Easter is too. There are no
holidays of fun and pleasure for me. I wish you were here with us.

I am so glad I had you, I am greedy for having wanted you a longer time.
You were supposed to bury me - that's the right way. A parent should Not
have to bury a child. I remember Granny Mangiavillano when my Dad
died - she was devastated and died herself not too long after he died.
She was never the same - I hope you have met Concetta Mangiavillano in
Heaven and Granny Falzarano and my Dad. Dad would have adored you,
my beautiful, precious son. I was lucky to have you and I never thought
I would have to bury you.

~ Karen Lyn Jenkins, Mother of an Angel with Pink Wings, Geoffrey P. Edwards, Forever 18



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